he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize