watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
