Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
