It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
