i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
