I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
