i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
