so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
