Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
