i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
