I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
