When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
