I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
