I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
