when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I touched a dick in church today
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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