My liver just broke up with me...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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