Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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