He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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