it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
