My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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