Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize