Pants 0. Shit 1.
Everything about him screamed your future.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
