sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
