Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
