I think I died a long time ago.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
