Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
