im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize