3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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