I wish you could order shots online.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
