I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I could fuck to npr.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your penis caused this!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
