i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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