My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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