I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
