this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
