The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
