I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize