Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
