If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
