I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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