I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
