Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
