I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
