So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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