Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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