I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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