Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
