awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
