We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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