I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
