Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
