i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
