Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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