True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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