so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
