you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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