His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
